Friday, September 24, 2010

Dairy Aerobics

The other night I stopped at the grocery store to buy a gallon of milk and then I spotted one of those little freezers with the individual frozen treats. Since I was having a crappy sort of day, I cracked into that thing and picked out my favorite frozen treat, a nestle drumstick.
When I was checking out, the cashier said to me "These things ought to be illegal! They are so good."
It's true, they are tasty. That's why I can't keep them in the house; they would be gone inside a day.
But no fear! Most dairy people have this infatuation with dairy products, that is why I have come up with an exercise routine just for them(us).

She just wants to do some mountain climbing
Unfortunately I despise exercise. I don't like to run, except when I am chasing after a cow that has gotten out, and then I only like it if I am winning and the cow is going back the direction she is supposed to.

That is why my routine has been expertly integrated with my daily chores! So let us begin:

Like all good exercise, you should start with a warm up.

-Put some muscle into pushing open the barn door for the cows and you can stretch your shoulders, side muscles, and maybe your back if there's snow.

-A brisk walk out to the end of the pasture and back to bring the cows in should just about cover the warm up and get your heart moving a bit faster.

-Side stepping along while tying up the cows will warm up the hips, just so long as you are coordinated and don't trip over your own feet (as I so often do).

Next as you are setting up the milk house begins the weight training portion of the session/ chore time.

-The milking machines are pretty heavy, probably around thirty pounds, more if there is water in them that didn't get properly flushed out, so by picking up two at a time, one per hand, and doing a few curls with them as you carry them out to the barn you can tone the biceps and triceps before milking has even begun!

-Instead of leaning in to hang the milkers up on the cable, lift them up with your arms and stretch out. Feel the burn! Do this each time and by the end of milking you may be sore, and will probably save time by not having to take a step back to get into milking position for each cow.

-for even more shoulder toning, carry around the milking bucket while it is full of milk from one end of the barn to the other, or empty the milk into a five gallon pail and carry that around. Be sure to lift with the legs!

When everything is all ready to go it's time to start milking and strengthen your hands by:

-wiping each teat repeatedly (being slightly obsessive compulsive I count each teat; Wipe-two-three, wipe-two-three, wipe-two-three, wipe-two-three)

-stripping a few squirts of milk from each teat(strip-strip-strip, strip-strip-strip,strip-strip-strip, strip-strip-strip)

Repeat on each cow until there is one for each milking unit. Counting isn't necessary to keep track of how many you've done, since you won't be done until all the cows are done.

And now for the aerobic portion of chore time:

-Briskly step across the gutter stretch out those arms and hook up the machine.

- Squat down into position and hold for a count of four

-Extend those arms and attach that milker! (milk, two, three, four) Milk that cow!

- Pop back to your feet

- Step across the gutter (pick those knees up!)

And here is where your chance to get that heart pumping comes into play as you scurry to the next cow. *

-Repeat as needed until every cow has been milked.

*for best results milk alone for that extra incentive to get to each cow sooner.


  1. Haha, brilliant! Now, is there any additional sports equipment than, you know, a cow I'll need? ;)

    Also - I only discovered this hilarious post (don't know why I missed it in the first place. Oh, yes, it's because I'm not here, I'm not here - I'm working on my thesis... Yeah.. Really, I am...) because it is the current link over at NaBloWriMo. You might want to contact Heather to make her change it to the front page link - otherwise it'll look as though you have not posted at all in October.

  2. You may be needing the machines to collect the milk, but otherwise you could just go around randomly squatting and sticking your arms straight out and wiggling them for a bit before popping up and running to another spot and doing it all again!

    And I just posted this? your next paragraph confuses me... (It may be because I started this back in August and it originally posted eight posts back, but then I changed how it posted and then it moved to the top of the list)

  3. I am veryveryvery confused right now. First of all, I could have sworn it said you posted a while ago, which is why I thought I'd missed the post... Secondly, the NaBlo link really did say that you posted "A month ago", which I knew wasn't the case. But now it doesn't so you're good. And the link from there now really points towards this post, but only because this is the first post because you just posted it and not because it is a post link - it really is a regular link. SO you don't have to email Heather after all (unless, you know, you want to. What do I know about the amount of emails you send on a daily [dairy!] basis).

    I think the only - ONLY - logical conclusion to all the confusion is that I am insane and needs to be put away in a secure institution. Maybe it's just because I haven't been doing my dairobics lately...

  4. Excellent, Maria! I love it! I used to do a little of this type of thing with restaurant work--intentionally making stuff WORKOUT stuff, instead of just exhausting in its own right.

    So do cow owners get offended if you wander into their fields and give it a try? I mean it's not like it's cow tipping or something.

  5. No need to be confused Mari, you are perfectly sane on this point! It was showing up as posted way back in August, but then I changed it. It was tricky, but I managed it.

    I don't know Tami, they might get upset if you start milking their cows out in the field! It might be viewed as wasteful, or theft, depending on how long you stay with it.

  6. That is one exercise routine I won't be trying...I got tired just reading it!


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